…I am confused and clear as I write this letter, feeling inside reeling with the kind of uncertainty, I felt two days ago, the queasiness in your stomach, driving you nuts, so just half of you just want to run away or just hold me, have everything all straightened out again, and it grosses me out to be writing this kind of letter, the letter that is a reflection of a faulty love.
So
We’ve talked about minds, minds going in circles, minds following defined tracks, etched in space loops of “ where is my keys?” or “ do I fit there?” the loop that I have traced so far, so often in this life, the warm place on the carpet, “ is he flirting with other girls?”.
…I made up rules so that you would have to break them, and know I am doing it too much to even really get upset when it happens. So that my setups for being able to have that miracle were always destroyed by the impossibility of working up righteous indignation when I knew I had set impossible rules…
But, Who cares? This is me reveling in this moment that “ I loved you” but I hardly know you anymore, and maybe if you love someone else, it will just be thrilling part of your bad boy appeal .
And now I’ve got to go to work, and you will never, ever, in a million years, see through this letter.
Because mostly what I want to say is good luck for being a person again, and this was all about documenting these minutes, seconds, and days.
When I found you again, found in you the excitement of not knowing, and the adventure of it all… but I can’t wait to go back in same circles…
“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good” W. H. Auden
Stories from the city
-1-
All the dawns were the same, except for that one, she woke up 10 years younger, with a teenage girl’s mind, her mind was going back to basics; fresh and pure, and certain of the logic behind its visions. She remembered how she used to trust men, religious men who prayed 5 times and worked hard for the rest of the day, Men with bags in their hands coming back home, men with the simplest traces of life and peace on their faces.
She also recalled that distant dream that had kept her alive over the years, to return to the basic rules of happiness. The ones she knew very well yet couldn’t have, and as she recalled all these small details, she realized that life is hard without any slight justification..
Her parents were emotionally in love, but mentally!!!!!Both of them failed to imagine establishing a family. That’s why it developed naturally on its own..
Their buds that were supposed to grow and shape the road to their future, actually ended their lives. Still the most important things she remembered was the way she used to see things. There weren’t that many colors in her visions, only red and yellow.
-2-
As a little girl she used to fear death. Her reason for that was that she wasn’t certain she can find bananas in heaven, and she thought her family would easily forget her and would be able to enjoy bananas without her, while she, as their guardian angel, watched jealously.
Now, after all these years, the same phobia of death still haunts her, but for a different reason; she can’t imagine a heaven without his breath. And the image of him walking alone or with anyone else makes her death seem so painful
-3-
She:I want you to promise me two things for 2009 !
Me: sure , what?
She: first thing , don’t be harsh on yourself next year !! as you can see , it’s not doing you any good !
Me:….
She: second thing, if one day you decide to ruin our friendship , just tell me , so I don’t keep on trying to fix it .
Me: speechless !!!
-4-
She’s knocking on strangers’ doors, slightly thick that her tiny little hands were getting hurt as she’s trying in vain to open one of them at least,
the dust that was coming back to life because of her constant and heavy knocking started to dance in front of her eyes , and suddenly she saw that look on his face as he used to mock her naive mind that used to make her believe that her mind will never be useful , and nothing will change !!!
-5-
Sis: how is X doing?
Me: I don’t know , I haven’t heard about him for years ! I guess he got married !
Sis: got married!!! , I don’t think so
Me: what makes you say that? He is supposed to be very wealthy now , he’s living with his family , and everything is supposed to work fine with him ,he lacks nothing .. Duh !!!:)
Sis: he lacks the character!!!!!as he Always will!!!!!!
-6-
Uncle: what is wrong with your mind?
Me: I guess I’m a little unwell , I will be ok , I just need time
Uncle: collect your pieces and keep on walking my flower !!!
-7-
She: I need to runaway!
He: where to?
She: anywhere, I need to be alone for a while! Let’s play this game
He: what game?
She: run & hide, and start searching!
He: but am not good at this game!!
She: you see you don’t knowme!! I need it
He: I know you better than you think… run and hide :(
She: don’t be sad, let’s start !:)
He: I told youI’m a bad player. I used to hide right behind the guy counting, then tap him on the right shoulder and come from his left . & when I count I wait 4 people to come :)
Take all the time in the world, but when I find you , I’ll give you 2 slaps u need to wakeup…& I’ll slap everyone I see till I find you :(
She: :)
He: ah.. and I’ll be waiting outside your house :) one day I will eat your stupid mind !!!
-8-
She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of a haunting horn coming from the depths of distant forests. There were paths in those forests; her father stood on one of them. Smiling and inviting her to join him …
There is a certain quantitative border that must not be crossed , yet no one stands guard over it and perhaps no one even realizes that it exists …
